The “You do it, too!” Defense

If you’re ever accused of doing something inappropriate, irritating, or wrong, I do not recommend using the “You do it, too!” defense. Here’s what it sounds like in some of its various permutations.

“You’re being rude!” “Well, you’re rude to me!”

“You’re so negative.” “Like you aren’t?”

“You misunderstand me.” “And you misunderstand me!”

“You’re so angry.”  “Don’t deny it; you get angry, too!”

“You’re spoiling the kids.”  “So do you!”

“You drink too much.”   “And last New Year’s Eve you didn’t?!”

“You push my buttons.”  “Because you push mine.”

“All you do is argue!”   “You started it.”

If these exchanges seem rare and far-fetched consider yourself fortunate. On the other hand, if they hit close to home, read on.

I watch conflicted people fight with the same attention an umpire watches pitches in baseball. If the folly of the “You do it, too!” approach isn’t apparent, allow me to clarify. This approach is ill-advised for the following reasons.

1. Two wrongs don’t make a right.
2. It leads to impasse, log jam, and stalled negotiations.
3. It triggers defensiveness in your disputant.
4. It’s a childish way to rationalize, justify, and excuse childish behavior.
5. It’s irresponsible; if we don’t acknowledge our contribution to a conflict things will never get better.

What’s the alternative? The next time you’re on the receiving end of a “You” accusation replace defensiveness with curiosity. Some common phrases that help deescalate conflict.

“I do?”

“Huh?”

“My bad!”

“I didn’t know that.”

“I wasn’t aware of that.”

“I’ll look at my contribution. Will you look at yours?”

“What is it like to live (work, commute, eat) with me?”

“There might be a grain of truth to this. Lemme think about it.”

“I don’t see me that way but I’ll try to look at me from your point of view.”

If your disputant is used to hearing you use the “You do it, too!” defense, they’ll be pleasantly shocked if you try the curious approach. I highly recommend it.

Perspectives Differ

Is this object a triangle, square, or circle? Yes.

If I were to pinpoint one strategy that fosters the greatest understanding it would be, “Look at problems from the other person’s point of view.”

This practice goes by various names: empathy, getting in the other’s shoes, perception is reality, appreciating another’s point of view, validating their experience (even if we don’t agree with it). The opposite is called: being closed minded, don’t confuse me with facts–my mind is made up, your opinion is invalid and pointless, being imperative, rigid, and non-negotiable. Here are some guaranteed impasse breaking comments.

I think you’re loud but maybe you think my ears are too sensitive.

I think you avoid conflict but maybe you think I’m too risky.

I think you’re defiant but maybe you think I’m too bossy.

I think you interrupt too much but maybe you think I lecture too long.

I think you’re not punctual but maybe you think I’m addicted to clocks.

I think you’re a controlling neat freak but maybe you think I’m a slob.

I think you minimize problems but maybe you think I catastrophize problems.

I think you’re too aloof but maybe you think I’m too needy.

I think you’re too sensitive but maybe you think I’m too callous.

Failure to acknowledge, “Your point of view is true to you” escalates conflict.  Being curious about why they hold that point of view, how they arrived at their conclusion, and who else has this opinion leads to fruitful discussion.

At least that’s my perspective.

Schismogenesis: A Light-hearted Lexicon of Marital Blunders

Schismo means “conflict” + genesis means beginning”  = Schismogenesis, the “beginning of conflict.” In my on-going quest to put simple conflict resolution tools into the hands of disputants, one of the grandest of conflict resolution strategies is to identify our tendency to justify, rationalize, and overlook our contribution to the conflict. It’s often a shocker when one realizes that the thing that our disputant does that bugs us is in actuality a reaction to something we’ve done. A fabulous book that describes this is, Mistakes Were Made But Not By Me by Carol Tavris.

I’ve put together 100 cartoons illustrating how blind spots, cluelessness, and making our disputant 100% responsible for conflicts while denying our own contribution leads to Schismogenesis. Here are a few pages for your perusal. Copies can be purchased here.

A Reframing Approach to Chronic Illness

In ways I don’t fully understand, those who frame pain as spiritual, meaningful, redemptive, or even a divine mystery seem to fare better than those who consider pain mere biology. While I have only anecdotal proof of this, reframing pain in a well-chosen narrative, often called a, “metaphoric approach to pain management,” apparently unleashes some sort of analgesic that ameliorates pain in some … at least a little.

My wish to banish other’s pain entirely is futile–I’m neither doctor, magician, or faith healer. But some sufferers of chronic pain have found the reframing approach helpful and I’m happy to describe it as best I can so others may benefit. Here are the popular frames that have alleviated pain in some.

1. “I suffer from an illness, not merely a disease.” According to this definition a disease is biological and pathological. An illness however is philosophical and subject to interpretation. Disease is a mechanistic sensation, a function of nerve endings. Illness is a story we tell ourselves about pain. An analogy: water boils on my stove because the burner is 212° Fahrenheit. But it also boils on my stove because I want a cup of tea. The scientific cause alone isn’t sufficient to explain why the water is boiling. We need the philosophical cause, too. So too with pain. We need more than just an explanation for the biomechanics of disease. We need a narrative explanation for illness, too.

2. “The meaning of pain changes the pain itself.” Many people endure pain voluntarily because it means something: the pain of cutting means emotional relief, the pain of martyrdom means reward in heaven, the pain of getting a tattoo means looking cool, the pain of childbirth means she gets a baby, the pain of open heart surgery means he gets a new life-saving valve, blisters and muscle ache means a marathoner will finish the race, austerity/asceticism/fasting means advancing spiritual goals, the teenager who walks to school in winter without a coat means he’s tough, elective cosmetic surgery means increased beauty, boot camp means “weakness is leaving the body.” Those who attach meaning to their elective pain endure it better than those who see pain as pointless. Sufferers of chronic pain who attach new meaning to their suffering experience, so I’m told, greater resiliency.

3. “Faith makes pain a bit more manageable.” I never met anyone who refused medical help in favor of mere faith (though we read horror stories once in a while of parents who deny children proper medical treatment). But those who’ve found western and alternative medicine wanting have added these frames: “God allowed this for a purpose,” “I’m being tested,” “I’m following in the footsteps of my Savior who suffered,” “This cross [thorn, whirlwind, snare, trap, pit, net] is going to accomplish something good,” “I’m going to be a better person when this is all over,” “I’m storing up rewards in heaven,” “Chronic pain reminds me I’m a child of Adam battling unholy desires,” “In this world we’ll have tribulation,” and “Oh God give me the grace to get through this hell.” How does it work: placebo, miracle, trance? I don’t know.

4. “Pain is part of some bigger meaning.” Narrative therapy means we tell ourselves stories about our lot in life. If the story is, “My pain is a horrific joke played by a cruel and indifferent universe,” we’ll experience certain feelings. But if that story is, “Pain is a part of God’s plan,” we will (so I’ve been told) experience different feelings. St. Thomas Aquinas said, “The contemplation of divine things suffices to reduce bodily pain.”

5. “Shared sorrow is half the sorrow” (the corollary being, “Shared joy is twice the joy”). I don’t have hard data to prove this but it seems to me those who have an understanding and supportive mate, family member, doctor, or friend who loves the sufferer fares better than those who suffer alone. Is empathy analgesic?

If my 30+ years of pastoral and therapeutic observations mean anything, it appears to me that those who obsess over pain, avoid pain, reject pain, resent pain, and fight pain suffer more than those who face pain, accept pain, and resign their pain to divine providence. I know this approach isn’t ideal; I wish I could make others’ pain go away. But if the reports of the heroes I’ve met count, giving a religious meaning to pain helps.

What I’ve Learned About Chronic Pain from Those Who Suffer

It’s not uncommon for family conflict to be exacerbated if one or more of the parties suffer from chronic pain. In my role as pastor/counselor/mediator it’s been my privilege to meet many heroic souls over the years who’ve grappled with migraine, TMJ, chronic fatigue syndrome, IBS, MS, arthritis, back pain, Crohn’s disease, STD, rash, and Fibromyalgia, endometriosis, and more. Here’s what they’ve taught me about pain that won’t go away.

1. It’s lonely. “People tell me I look fine but my body is in constant pain. I feel so alienated.” It’s almost as if those in pain need to look bad before they get sympathy or understanding. Since pain is subjective we do well to believe other’s reports of pain. Ignoring genuine pain seems more risky (and cruel?) than doubting faked pain.

2. It’s suspect. “People think I’m faking, a hypochondriac, or pretending to be in pain just for the drugs.” Are there malingerers? Certainly. Are all sufferers malingerers? Heavens no. Talk about adding insult to injury. Many loved ones have compassion. But many, tragically, do not.

3. It’s misunderstood. “I’ve been told more than once that it’s all in my head.” Such comments are code for, “If you change your thinking you’ll feel better.” If only it was that easy.

4. It’s complex. “I’ve been to twenty specialists and none of them know what’s going on.” This is either the failure of modern science or testament to the vexing complexity of pain’s causes. When pain lingers long after a sport (or horse, auto, work, or fall) injury heals, the blame goes to any number of culprits: tissue damage, bacteria, viruses, bad character, divine curse, the devil, gluten, genetically modified organisms, random cellular mutations, negative thinking, repressed emotions, illusion, or delusion.

5. It’s expensive. “I’ve never been a fan of snake oil but if I thought it’d help I’d drink a gallon of it.” The quest for relief from chronic pain is relentless. Prescriptions, pain specialists, pain clinics, neurologists, naturopaths, psychiatrists and pain management protocols are not cheap.

6. It’s enervating. “I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.” I can’t imagine what it’s like to be plagued by constant pain. The wear and tear is immense.

7. It’s emotional. “Not only is my pain throbbing, stabbing, and on fire, my brain won’t shut off–Why me? Where’s God? Is this punishment? Do I deserve this?” At a time like this my handouts on the difference between affliction and infliction, theodicy, and tips on suffering seem paltry at best, platitudinous at worst.

8. It’s embarrassing. “I can’t keep burdening my family and friends with sighing.” When repetitive laments are met with boredom, indifference, or disdain one learns quickly to suffer in silence.

9. It’s a disease. “My chronic pain isn’t a symptom of some underlying malady; it is the malady.” Pain is not merely a symptom of a disease; chronic pain is the disease. Clients describe the things they’ve tried: acupuncture, physical therapy, chiropractic manipulation, colon flushing, diet and exercise, hypnoses, prayer, opiates, yoga, massage, pot, meditation, biofeedback, cognitive reframing, and all manner of anesthesia medicines.

10. It’s chronic. “Acute pain eventually goes away. What I’ve got has hounded me for years.” Like a smoke detector that keeps blaring long after the smoke has cleared, chronic pain keeps blaring long after the damaged tissues heal.

When Making You Happy Makes Me Unhappy

It may be hard for you to believe this, but I genuinely do not like doing ___. I know you like it, but I’m not you. This puts me in a huge quandary. I want you to be happy. I love you and want living with me to be a joy for you. But if your happiness depends on my doing ___ we’ve got a problem. I’ve tried to stifle my gag reflex and do the thing you’ve asked me to do. But it’s hard. I’ve tried to explain this to you many times but I’m not sure I’ve successfully explained why it’s so hard for me to do ___. I simply find doing ____ repellant, difficult, unnatural, and unpleasant. Which do you want: me do ___ , or me be happy? You can’t have both.

You’ve told me that if I really loved you I’d do ___ with consistency and joy. As hard as it may be for you to grasp this, both facts are true: 1) I do love you and 2) I do not love doing ___. We are at an impasse in this relationship. Dilemmas don’t get any more basic than this. If I make you happy I’ll be making myself unhappy. If I make myself happy I’ll be making you unhappy. So what do we do? We’ve got the following options.

1. I bite the bullet and do ____ for you.  Doing ___ for you will be hard, difficult, and nauseating for me NOT because I don’t love you or don’t want you to be happy. It’s just that doing _____ is really hard for me. I can try but there’s no guarantee that I’ll be able to sustain it. I may develop resentment and anger. I may eventually tire of doing ____. To set me up for success could you please express appreciation once in a while for my sacrifices to make you happy? I find it highly de-motivating when I finally get around to doing ____ and hear, “It took you long enough. What do you want, a parade?” Well, not a parade, but at least a sincere thank you. And could you please withhold the anger and scorn when I do ___ imperfectly or when I forget? Could you even the score once in a while by doing something that you maybe find unpleasant but that you know makes me happy?
2. I bite the bullet and refuse to do ___ for you. This means me learning to inure myself to your anger and disdain. It means me getting thicker skin when you criticize me. It means I stick to my convictions, principles, and preferences and learn to live with the emotional and relational ramifications. I become Teflon so your emotional manipulation doesn’t stick. I don’t chose this out of spite or hate. It’s just that I really don’t like doing ___. I resign myself to living with an unhappy, hard to please spouse.
3. You bite the bullet and relinquish your desire for me to do ____. I know this isn’t what you want. For some inexplicable reason(s) you like ___. But I’m asking you to stop asking, wanting, or expecting me to do ____. Or you do ___ yourself. Or you find someone to do ____ for you. If you accept my inability/unwillingness to do ___ this means you’ll have to learn to live with unmet needs/wants. This may require coaching, counseling, therapy, behavioral modification, spiritual growth, or plain old-fashioned self-control. It’s probably as hard for you to understand why I find ___ so unpleasant as it is for me to understand why you find ___ so pleasant. I guess we’re just two different individuals with different preferences.
4. You bite the bullet and continue to pressure me to do ____. If living with an unhappy spouse is more important than living without _____ then this is the option for you. Warning: if I do finally succumb to your pressure and do ____ please don’t whine, “You’re not sincere! You don’t mean it! You’re just doing that because I made you.” Of course I’m not sincere. I’m just doing this to get you off my back.
5. We learn to live with this impasse. If I refuse to do ___ and you refuse to stop wanting me to do ____ we’re stuck. One option is for us to accept this stuck-ness like some people learn to accept aging, bad knees or unpredictable weather. Some couples do learn to live with unmet desires/demands/requests. If the price of options 1 – 4 is too great, option 5 is the our only option. It’s “agree to disagree” time. This means you quit saying, “If you really loved me you’d do____” and I quit saying, “If you really loved me you’d quit asking me to do ____.” Let’s call a truce. I won’t do ___ and you’ll stop asking me to do ___.  I’ll continue to show my love and care for you by doing other things that are within my capabilities and desires. But ____ is out of the question.
6. We split up. If doing ___ is a non-negotiable for you, and if my not doing ____ is non-negotiable, our only option is to go our separate ways. This will of course be painful and tragic on many levels. But if options 1-5 don’t work we could try option 6 at least temporarily. If we choose option 6 let’s be very clear on both the timetable and ground rules for spending, dating, parenting, living, etc. while living separately.
7. We take turns. I may be willing to do ____ on occasion if you lower your expectation that I do it 24/7. In return for my occasional capitulation I’ll want you to do things for me that I find pleasant and enjoyable. If I feel I’m making all the sacrifices I may burn out or get resentful.

When Making Me Happy Makes You Unhappy

I must admit, I’m totally shocked that you’re unwilling to make me happy. I thought this is what marriage is all about! How dare you say making me happy by doing ____ will make you unhappy! If you really loved me you’d find the oomph to do ___ and quit being so selfish.  If I knew you didn’t want to make me happy I’d not have married you! You are cruel and unloving. This is borderline abuse. But since I’m willing to negotiate here are our options.

1. I give up my desire for you to do ____. This is both counter intuitive and crazy but because I’m willing to take the high road I’ll explore this. It’ll mean me NOT expecting my happiness to come from you. It’ll mean me learning to live with an un-supportive and negligent spouse. It’ll maybe mean therapy and counseling for me to overcome anxiety, anger, resentment, and hatred. Now that I think of it, I’ve made so many compromises and concessions already that I’m not sure I can lower my expectations any more. I’m at rock bottom already. Either you do ____ or resign yourself to living with an unhappy spouse. You can’t not do ___ and have a happy spouse at the same time. The choice is yours.
2. I do not give up my desire for you to do ___. If this makes you mad or unhappy that merely proves how selfish you are. I’ll just inure myself to your narcissism and thoughtlessness. If you complain about me pushing you to do ____ I’ll learn to live with your complaints. That’ll be my cross to bear. If you get angry and call me controlling, manipulative, or demanding, oh well. I’ll be like Teflon so your unkind remarks don’t stick.
3. You give up your stubbornness and do ____. This of course is my preference. I don’t see why doing ___ is so hard. I love ____. Most people I know love ____. I can only conclude that your unwillingness to do ___ is motivated by selfishness, a dysfunctional family of origin, sin, or worst of all—lack of love and caring. To prove that you do love me just do this one simple thing: _____. I’m not asking you to walk on water. Just do ____ and make me feel loved.
4. We learn to live with the impasse. I’m not sure I can do this. Your unwillingness to do ___ is so fraught with negative meaning for me that this may be a deal breaker. If I were you I suggest you go back and consider option 3 again.
5. We split up. It’d be much easier not seeing you refuse to do ___ to make me happy than seeing you every day NOT doing ____. I’d be more unhappy living with a partner who refuses to comply with my one tiny request than living alone. Either way, I don’t get ____. But if I’m not going to get ___ I’d rather you not be around to remind me you’re not giving me ____.
6. We take turns. I can’t believe I’m even mentioning this. This is a marriage; we’re not supposed to be keeping score. You’re saying you’ll scratch my back if I scratch yours? Why should I scratch your back since you’re so unwilling to scratch mine? My desire that you do ____ is logical, sane, normal, healthy, and not asking that much. Your reasons for not doing ___ don’t even make sense. Since you’re not willing to give up your stubbornness and do ___ I’m not sure I can stay in this relationship. I may need to go back and consider option 5 again.